Chapter 23: Wherein Things Change

I would be such a master if I spent as much time working on my craft as I did having feelings about it.

Shitty bathroom selfie to let you all know what I did to my hair. 

Shitty bathroom selfie to let you all know what I did to my hair. 

I want to be a person who creates amazing and beautiful things. Actually making things is pretty hard though. 

Cute shit. 

No one can convince me to regret posting this. 

No one can convince me to regret posting this. 

There is a world of uncertainty lying in front of me. I feel like the first twenty years of my life have been something of a failed experiment. I tried a lot of things that didn’t work and I understand now how they were wrong. 

I recently turned down an opportunity to live with some friends up in a college town. There were a couple of different reasons for that, fear obviously not the least of them, but the one that I keep coming across in my mind is that I have social issues. It’s not that I’m afraid of prospective roommates, because they are people I have known for a while now. Mainly I feel, mostly due to prior experiences, that I may not be able to survive hunting for a job in this town.

I’ve had panic attacks frequently when looking for jobs, I’ve shut down, I’ve run out. If there’s a way you can imagine it could go wrong I have lived through it. I’m not sure if I made the right choice. Not even a little sure. I think the thought of leeching off of my friends added to the prospect of fear and the fact that I was barely awake when I got the call added to the decision. But that doesn’t make the decisions wrong.

Soon my life will be changing. Soon my friends will be going somewhere. Not somewhere that I ever long to go. But somewhere that is SOMEWHERE. I don’t know whether I should be going with them. 


From the moment we are capable of understanding things like the relative importance of life goals, we are inundated with anti-materialist propaganda. We’re shown things like A Christmas Carol and expected to understand that materialism is a viewpoint that is had by people who just don’t GET it. The truth is, as always, something a little more complex. If you look at it materialism is actually a very sensible thing for a person to believe in modern times. We live in a culture that is, and this is neither a good or bad thing, secular to the point of very nearly being ANTI-spiritual but the implications of THAT are beside the point.

Living in this world where discussions of the soul are considered almost superstitious it’s strange to see us clinging, as a culture, to these anti-materialist ideals.

Materialism is a perfectly valid philosophical standpoint. Not to say that it’s healthy or good for society. But next to things like solipsism or nihlism it’s very hard to say that it’s completely invalid. Materialism is more or less just nihlism for the pragmatic “Nothing matters, except that I have some cool shit.”

Anyway it’s just a thought.